The *uckenings feat. Jadenchong

I gave up writing a while back. It’s not my thing. Even changing the language settings in my words program took me half an hour. Lord give me autocorrect – now! (just in case you are facing similar problems it’s tools – language – default -there you fucking go Ana ((Ana is our technical genius)).

As a native German-speaking creature, I got Jadenchong by my side to prevent editorial failures and simply to take the blame. It’s not easy to be her at this point in time, so I might as well support her tender grief and give her a home office function. She’s got feelings too!

We were all here when the fuckenings started and we’ll be in this together. Don’t try to fight it. It’s fucking happening = the fuckenings.

So while I am ready to fall in love with a lemon due to isolation, I wonder. Who would have thought how much there is to wonder about. I can wonder for 2 hours straight and while I’m wondering, Jadenchong is doing research. This wasn’t meant to be anything serious until she brought up Johnny Depp! But since her screen time is up to 62 hours and 57 minutes a week I didn’t expect anything different. Well-done Jadenchong!

So Johnny Depp is on instagram now. Who would have thought? And while I am trying to do something with this amazing turn of events, she simply let’s me down straight up.

In order to not get stuck within this writer’s block I’ve yelled at her twice to take the fuckening seriously. It didn’t help. After sending her a ‘Babe!!’ To express the emergency, she finally got off her game night app and got back on her browser.

I said give me anything! That was 10 minutes ago but she’s still on unread. Dammit Jaden. We only just got started. The sails are up and now my skipper has resigned. Who will I push overboard if something gets stolen on this yacht now?

So then she gave me a speech about pressure – common Jadenchong, deal with it!

If you think I’m only doing this because I have nothing else to do – you are wrong! I’ve got plenty of wondering on my work from home schedule! I don’t have time to waste!

Meanwhile my housemates got thrown off their diet. It’s not easy. Especially not during the fuckening. Mental frustration is known to be the number 1 cause for overconsumption. Yes people. We do over consume a lot and it’s because we are all close to a mental breakdown. We are on the edge. And the moments of happiness will become shorter every day with or without pandemic. We are our own enemy. And if you think this is one of these things that will provide solutions – you are absolutely right!

1. Don’t fight over toilet paper, it’s not essential and not an undercover edible

2. Get off your phone

3. Don’t draw a face on a Lemon and call it David (trust me on that)

4. Don’t get drunk in a closed space during lockdown

5. Don’t message your crush

6. Cry (might as well now while nobody can see)

7. Don’t force yourself to cook fancy menus – stick with salad – it’s easy enough

8. Watch Tiger King and wonder about it afterwards

9. Write a letter to your 40 year old self (if you are past that age you are entitled to pick another age according to your own measures)